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Difficult movies

I remember when I saw Mean Streets (1973), I got into a discussion with my friend about the negative movie. They lived kind of negative lives, and there's violence and dysfunction. I can sort of watch those kinds of movies, but they're not as fun. Realism maybe. Artistic maybe. Not really enjoyable. 

Another friend took me to Irreversible (2002), a horrible horrible movie, but artistic and well done. At the time I didn't mind how horrible it was. 

I remember Hotel Rwanda (2004) was a movie I tried to macho watch, take the suffering. 

I remember watching The Lighthouse (2019) with my son, and I was horrified and confused, but he was really enjoying the movie. I kind of envied him enjoying it. 

Recently I could get through Climax (2018) I just had such a sense of foreboding that it was just not worth it to me to watch more than 35 minutes. 

Now I'm getting older, and I find the negative movies and traumatic experiences painful. I'm watching The Salesman, the 2016 Iranian Foreign Film winner, and it's just so much pain. It's a beautiful movie, and I'm watching it because my Iranian friend recommended it. I want to learn more about Iran. Such a painful aftermath. I think I'm too sensitive sometimes. My 8 year old daughter doesn't like movies because there's this tense moment in the movie that freaks her out, movies build to a real crescendo of tension. I tell her it's just a movie, but honestly I'm like that too, I have trouble detaching.  

I meditate a lot, think about lovingkindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity, and I guess I need more equanimity. I meditate on gladdening the mind, steadying the mind, but I guess I need more relinquishment. 

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